Losing it is so terrifyingly easy. I’m talking about control. Rational thinking. Self-restraint. Resistance to external influences. And all the rest. What I’ll say today may or may not make sense. It’s ok, I’m only aiming at is some kind of release from internal pressure. Striving to put my priorities in order. Remind me what they’re supposed to be. I do have priorities, right? Am I making the exact same mistakes? Will I weep tomorrow? Will I never learn?

Bollocks. If I sound helpless it’s only my latest attention-seeking strategy. In fact, I don’t need to be saved. I can survive without having my questions answered. Though I’d appreciate it if you tried. The truth is…throughout my life, these strictly disciplined days, my little rules and subtle defences, they’re nothing but excuses.

When I take off the armour, all my soul longs for is danger, disorder, unpredictability. The raw panic grabbing your mind when you know what you’re doing is wrong, will probably get you in trouble, a voice in your head screaming turn back now before it’s too late, and you pretend you’re listening, following orders, while secretly letting the sea take the oars, hoping the wind will carry you as far from the shore as possible, counting on the storm to overtake your will should fear make you change your mind during the journey.