It is the time of year, a time for reflection, doubt and the occasional self-pitiful glance in the mirror. Prone as I am to exaggeration, I shall resist the temptation to dwell on my unresolved dramas. Tell you how chaotic my life looks right now, how nothing is wrong yet nothing feels quite right. Perfectly conscious of the fact that it’s all in my head. I blame it on the time of the year. With last summer’s, echo fading, and the next one still out of reach.
When we were younger, we could somehow find reasons for hope. Things to wait for, however far and uncertain. Trust in some vague, improbable ideal, the spell that would turn the world upside down, blessing us with a new point of view. Now our childish naivety is evaporating fast and, whilst our skin has grown thick and our hearts harder to break, it’s hard to find a meaning to hang on to. No distant light on the horizon, no absolute moment of magical release.
We no longer expect salvation to come from outside, we cannot assume someone else will bring the answers we’re seeking, or even hold our hand and stay close as we continue this desperate search.
We can’t even believe in our hidden potential anymore. Yes, we have built our walls of confidence and masks of aggression, but the faith in our superpowers and indisputable uniqueness is shrinking with every passing day.
And what keeps us carrying on our pointless existence? Could it be simply the fear of dying, nature’s determination to ensure preservation of the species, however unwilling the species in question might be? You’re nihilistic, they always say. They think it’s wrong. They think we’re meant to be lighthearted, joyful all the time. They consider happiness something permanent, to be chased even if its pursuit inflicts the worst kind of suffering.
But if you spend your life struggling to be happy, happiness must surely come with death, right? Which leads us back to what I was trying to say: life does not really make any sense, so why waste it looking for patterns or following principles? I mean, we’ll all die anyway, and that leaves us with very little to lose. So, we might as well mess things up a bit, while we’re here.
Notice how pessimism goes full circle until it annihilates itself. In contrast, optimism only ends up crashing into some formidable obstacle it refused to acknowledge.
Monday, 18 February 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment